Sunday, August 15, 2010

August - Summer 2010



Wisdom of the Sages

Episode VIII

August – Summer 2010


Hello People of the World;

Gah, it’s so hot right now, if I could I’d punch the sun right in the face!

Now, I ran into someone the other day that told me that they’d been saying that for years now. But I must tell everyone that I coined the term in the Summer of 2003 when, walking into the 600 Michigan, second-floor computer lab, my co-worker Aaron (A super cool guy) asked me if it was hot out, since he saw me sweating rainstorms, told him “If I could, I’d punch the sun right in the face” which popped right into my head then.

Aaron laughed and said, “I’ve never heard anyone say that before.”

So, I took it that I just made it up then, “Coined the Term”, if you will. Or maybe venerable statesman Abraham Lincoln said it first. I dunno. It sounds like something he’d say….

Let’s get started, shall we?

:[ First Item of the Month: Getting around my neighborhood you need to get around a ton of road construction along Touhy Avenue these days. Even driving out to Gurnee with my Ladies we ran into miles of interstate improvements. Man, what a fricking hassle. Don’t they see that I’m needed right away?!

I blame Obama and his infrastructure bill, making new road construction jobs. Stupid Obama ruins everything, even my commutes. Him and Tom Cruise. Him and Tom Cruise ruin fricking everything. We could have won WWII sooner had it not been for Tom Cruise and his space beliefs… Stupid Tom Cruise and Obama…

:[ So, racing rims on a Ford Focus… Seriously?

Dude.

:[ I guess some arbitrary judge decided that cheerleading is not a collegiate sport.

I guess they ignored the fact that cheerleading suffers more life-threatening injuries than manly sports like football…

:[ Ballad of the Tragically Hipster: Seeing this mook get on the train at Loyola with his starched jeans, new blue, plaid shirt over his ironic t-shirt and matching blue, plaid golf cap, with scraggily hair (but not too scraggily) and barely-there facial hair (neatly trimmed). He carried a copy of “Catch-22” for goodness sake. Yet, when he sat down, revealing his very expensive blue, leather sneakers, he turns on his iPod and never once cracks the book open.

On that point, when has being a contrary ass become hipster irony? On that same train ride I looked out the window before we pull into the Loyola stop and see another mook, in a blue, plaid shirt (What is it with blue, plaid shirts all of a sudden?) and aviator sunglasses wearing a t-shirt that read “Kanye Was Right”. Really? Does this guy really believe that, is he really a fan of Kanye or even listen to his music, or is he just wearing that shirt to be “cool” and “ironic”? Stupid Tragic Hipsters, they have ruined both “Cool” and “Ironic” for everyone… then, that other guy gets on the train and compounds the point.

:[ If George Miller doesn’t put beat up, souped up, rugged versions of soccer mom minivans in his new Mad Max: Fury Road movie, he would be doing a supreme injustice to the toughness of both Moms and minivans!

:[ For the first time in the near-eleven years I have lived in and around Chicago, I have finally walked through the famed, even hallowed Merchandise Mart building. Weird, huh?

Like any common citizen of this place, of any place really, I have never gone and done all the Tourist-y places in Chicago, i.e.: Willis Tower (get over it), Hancock Building, etc. I feel, like a lot of people do: I’m not going anywhere anytime soon and sooner or later, I’ll get around to doing the famed “Chicago” things. Neither have I ever gone out of my way to do the “Real” Chicagoan stuff either, like going to that bar or some eatery no one’s ever heard of. Mostly, it’s just a matter of money, um, of not having any to do these things. I digress.

I’ve never been in the Merchandise Mart building before yesterday, is what I’m saying….

:[ So the trend of every coffee house in Chicago running out of the very specific thing I ordered continues on unabated. In fact, the day before yesterday after I was done at work downtown I went to the nearest Starbuck to get a cup before heading home, sort of wait out the Rush Period Idiots, and after I order and sit, I wait 15 MINUTES before I have to remind the guy making the drinks I ordered a medium iced coffee!

Meanwhile, they served 6 people who all got their drinks before I stood up and said something… is it just me?

:[ Speaking of road construction, I was crossing the street near my work a couple of weeks ago where there is a HUGE, ORANGEROAD CLOSED” sign blocking what appears to be Obama’s Socialist Agenda tearing up all five lanes of Montrose Avenue down the block. Since the whole block is closed off except to residents, I assume I can cross the street without having to wait for the light.

Apparently, people who were needed right away, begged to differ. As I step into the street, a car speeding at me honks and slows. I shrug and point to the HUGE, ORANGEROAD CLOSED” sign and give them a “WTF?” look. They sneer at me as they zoom past me and the HUGE, ORANGEROAD CLOSED” sign only to find that they indeed CANNOT go down that street, BECAUSE IT’S F*CKING CLOSED!!! They ignore me as I have stood there to watch them have to make a u-turn and go back around and pass me, standing there pointing at the sign again as they pass.

:[ From the “This Just In” file: The Star Wars Trilogy is finally getting released to Blu-Ray disc. Now, I do not own a Blu-Ray player but I own an import “Red Cliff” Blu-Ray. But, this is exciting news from the Star Wars camp, for a change. Now, we will get the 2004 Special Editions on disc first, then, later, the “Classic Editions” on Blu-Ray, all cleaned up and formatted correctly later on. I guess the big draw for those waiting for the classics to snap up the first editions will be unseen deleted footage. LIKE THIS.

Now I have to buy a Blu-Ray player. Hell, I have to buy an HDTV now. Great. Read this article from Ain’t It Cool News.

:[ Last Item of the Month: I must take some time here to talk about Elvis Presley. Elvis Week is this month by the way. For the longest time it was cool to disparage Elvis for racism for a perceived remark he made. Even the Great Jim Jarmusch inclided it in one of his flicks. But it turns out that the whole thing was/is an urban legend.

Anyways, Elvis Presley died this month 33 years ago. Wow. Hats off to the King. Now, about that Elvis project of mine… what ever happened with that?

That will do it for this month.

Try to stay cool folks. Don’t let the world drag you down or the sides try to pull you one way or another. I invite you to comment, question, contradict and disprove all that I have posted here. I welcome it. Now, where I put that sandwich?

Enjoy your summer and remember: school starts again soon!

Until Next Time, “I try to show the schemers how pathetic their attempts to control everything really are.”





© 2010 Ernest M. Whiteman III