Wisdom of the Sages
Episode XII
December – Winter 2010
Hello People of the World;
Now, this is what I thought a Typical Chicago Winter should be like. You know? To hear Chicagoans tell it. Now it’s cold and snowy and I have to bundle up to go out. I honestly thought this is what a MILD Chicago winter is supposed to be like. In all my years here I’ve heard the sagas of winters passed and how the City of Chicago is lucky to not have had to gnaw on neighbors for sustenance. Oh well. Maybe next year, huh?
So, NATIVE PRIDE made its return on December 5 of this month. It was an odd experience wearing other hats during “Native American Heritage Month”. Most felt that a cowboy hat was a great look for me. But, I’m not a cowboy. But I find it kind of funny that people think I look better when I am not expressing pride in my Native-ness. Weird. I guess NATIVE PRIDE keeps me from getting dates.
Now, on to more important things. Let’s get started, shall we?
1:[ First Item of the Month: The FDA gets criticized for banning caffeinated alcoholic drinks! “AN infringement on consumer rights?” Man, are we a country of drunkards or what? What happens when you threaten the supply? Yep, we get angry, just like an addict!
There are more important rights getting trampled right now than to be a wide-awake drunk.
2:[ Seriously, dude, how many cell phones do you need? Just saw a guy in the Lawrence Starbucks, call on one cell and texting with another. Man.
3:[ Yeah! This dude was outside the bar, having a smoke in the cold, without a jacket. Real man needs to smoke. Real man needs to smoke outside without a coat. Real man’s getting soooooo laid ‘cause chicks dig that sh*t!
4:[ It looks like scientists have created and captured a specimen of “antimatter”! Scientists in Switzerland (Why always Switzerland?) seem to have created from a chemical reaction, a particle of “antimatter” and were able to hold it long enough to study. Cool! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?! Yes, WARP ENGINES!!! FINALLY!
In other science news: (‘Cause I’m smart that way)
NASA discovers alien life in California! (Don’t go for the obvious joke here. Don’t go for the obvious joke…) It seems a bacteria that lives on arsenic has been found in a lake in California. While out of the ordinary, many experts do NOT think it any type of form of “alien” life. Still, experts still think they have a grip on what they have expertise on. So, no surprises they would question it. Besides, it’s science. You’re supposed to ask questions.
Mayans are feeling the brunt of global warming. It turns out that every year their crop fields are overheating and turning out less and less growth. I know what you’re thinking: Wait, Mayans still exist? Oh, hell yeah they do!
5:[ Overheard in the Coffee Shop: A continuing series:
So I was sitting in the Starbucks, sans NATIVE PRIDE and I could not help but overhear this woman lambasting her sister over something she never made clear. But, it was all her sister’s fault and she was going to make some moves come Thanksgiving Dinner. “The Art of War,” she said.
Who talks about family dinners in terms of military tactics? Sheesh! It was bad enough but then she said, “She just doesn’t want to smoke the Peace Pipe. She doesn’t.”
Which, I am sure she is used to saying so casually because she probably grew up never having been taught better. Look, don’t get me wrong. I honestly feel that things like “Political Correctness” and “Affirmative Action” should not be needed, simply because we should, as a people be courteous enough to give each other some g*d-damned CONSIDERATIONS. Really. In a perfect world, it would be so. But this is not a perfect world and for some reason, it still sucks that people say crap like that.
So, the other day I was in the Borders, just passing time after work when I overheard another insipid conversation. Again, please do not judge me as a nosey eavesdropper. No eaves were dropped in these situations. It is just because these people just talke so damn loud as if they want people to hear them. Plus, I am a great listener. I catch things that other people think I missed. Sometimes, I’ll chuckle to myself. Anyways, these two gals meet up at the coffe shop and it went a little something like this:
Gal 1: (describing what she’s doing there) “Yeah, I’m just trying to keep it down to short sentences. But, you know, making sound interesting enough for people to read. Also, to make sound like, cool, so people will… uh, …think it’s cool.”
(Yep, this person is a writer.)
Gal 2: “That is like, totally, story of my life right now, you know?”
Gal 1: “I know, right?”
At this point I try to get back to my sketching and coffee. But then I hear this:
Gal 2: “Would that be a good day to get together?”
Gal 1: LONG PAUSE “Theoretically, it would be a good day. But you just don’t now.”
People, please, never, EVER use the word “Theoretically” unless you are actually talking about something IN F*CKING THEORY!!! Not when you are planning to “get together”. Frickin’ people….
6:[ So, I had to go and renew my driver’s license today and was surprised at how quick and efficient the process is. I don’t get what many people grumble about. This was the downtown site as well and I was in and out in less than 30 minutes.
But what I also noticed is how kind and generous people are when they are waiting on the bureaucracy to roll along. They smile and joke and are courteous to one another regardless of race, status, gender or age, people are being nice and civil to one another because they all have to wait for the lumbering process to engage with them. Wow, Red Tape Unity!
I swear, when I rule the world I will promote a harmonious world peace by making my rule as bureaucratic as possible! That plus lobotomies and mind-control chips.
7:[ And now Wisdom of the Sages presents:
“An Ever-growing List of Things That MUST Stop!”
+ From Bonnie: “LOL’s. Come on, are you really Laughing Out Loud?”
+ Speaking of “Netiquette”, another one that should go the way of the Dodo: “The Fam”. Geez, you must not love your family all that much if you cannot take the time to simply spell the frickin’ word. “Yeah, we’re related, but you’re wasting my precious time, G. Fo’ reelz, LOLS”
+ From reader Ellen “The internally-lit, scrolling ads at the bus stops. It’s tacky and makes it look like New York.” Couldn’t think of a worse insult for a Chicagoan than to be compared to New York…
+ People who freaking sit down, taking up space in the coffee shop THEN go to order! Worse are those that DON’T order a damn thing and just sit there.
8:[ I hate to say this but black plastic framed glasses have to stop too. Sorry ladies, you don’t look like Tina Fey and you don’t really look any smarter. I hate to say it because I have a massive crush on Tina Fey and I love smart women. (Hell, I was married to one.) But, you look like a trend-follower. Guys, too. It doesn’t look hipster cool, like you don’t care what your glasses look like, because black, plastic framed glasses make it obvious that you do care what you look like…. Come on.
9:[ Kanye’s New Rant: Reveals himself to be the smartest man in show business
1) He is keeping himself in the news and “relevant”, because it doesn’t seem to take much to do that these days.
2) He is exposing our class hypocrisy where the poor will always come to the defense of our rich celebrities. Swift is a multimillionaire folks. SHE’LL BE FINE! We can quit coming to her defense from our Internets we can barely afford while she wipes her tears with her millions of dollars.
3 & 4) He is exposing our racist and sexist tendencies, when we come to the defense of a “weaker” white woman. This is the 21st century. She can fend for herself. Come on, what if Kanye was a white guy? He wouldn’t be railed against. He’d be Bill O’Reilly.
5) And then, the most subtlest and smartest. He is reminding Swift, and indeed, we the public that her current success owes a LOT to his VMA interruption.
So, let’s get over this one, okay?
10:[ Last Item of the Month: You know, sometimes walking in the streets, I play out these conversations in my head with people I’ve known and met and at other times I ponder the intangibles in an otherwise very real universe and I come up with the most amazing works of fantasy when dealing with the former and some inspired conclusions when playing out the latter. And I keep it all running through my mind and think that it would be great to write it down and share with you Dear Reader on this lonesome ‘blog of mine.
But then, I keep forgetting what it is that I came up with to begin with. Like today, I started out thinking about how I traded the warmth of my usual shoes for the Van’s I wore today. The other shoes are cheap and the sole on one is ripped and walking in the rain last night, my sock soaked through but on a day like today, they would be warm. But the Van kept my feet dry and offered some grip on the icy streets but my feet were ice blocks when I got home.
And this line of thought led to wanting to make a comment on new shoes on Facebook and it reminded me of all the silly things we try to write on there and how it seems a very disingenuous persona we put up there in light of who we really are, because we never really put our true selves up in the comment boxes of Facebook. You know? We put up these fake stand-ins that are supposed to represent the Cool Us.
You see? I am not funny and I’m not smart but a comment on the state of my cheap shoes would reveal my economic status and how that would be detrimental to me getting a date. I always say that George Clooney and I have the same problem. And speaking of problems: Never play out your personal dramas in the comment sections of Facebook, all right? Everyone can see it. Seriously.
Which leads me to another thing I noticed: Internet forum conversations. It seems the new grounds of debate has changed since you can now anonymously spout hate and racism without fear of getting smacked right in the jaw. Which is sad, because reading the debates, both sides of the argument have great ideas for solutions, but, the impersonal ideology of taking a right or left position often prevents the human race from finding those solutions. And one more thing, you know you’re getting old when you start out talking about one thing and end up talking about something else entirely. Or, forgetting that you said the exact same thing last month- oh, wait…. Where was I?
That will do it for this month.
I was going to go off on No-bama’s Socialist Agenda and his addition of Sitting Bull to his children’s book, but I am just so terrible at political commentary. So, forgive me this one. Try to stay warm out there folks. It’s a doozy! When was the last time you heard that one? Anyways, feel free to comment, contradict, critique or write anything about any item here on WoS. It’s all up for grabs. Discussion is good, it keeps the spine straight. Okay?
Until Next Time, “I try to show the schemers how pathetic their attempts to control everything really are.”
© 2010 Ernest M. Whiteman III
