Monday, May 16, 2011

May - Spring 2011



Wisdom of the Sages

Episode V

May – Spring 2011


Hello People of the World;

Here we are five months into the new year. It doesn’t feel so new any more does it. You see? Life goes on. May, for some reason is the month we associate most with Spring. We constantly celebrate “new beginnings” during this month with graduations and such. We also celebrate Mother’s Day this month. Funny, since mothers are mothers for the other 364 days of the year too.

Anyways, I hope this May finds you in cheerful weathers. If not, finds you bitching about, I'm sure...

Let’s get started, shall we?

1:[ First item of the month: There are reasons that I don’t buy into such things as Groupon. And as selfish as it seems, there is a reason I don’t buy Girl Scout cookies anymore. Because of this people think I’m strange. But I just try to consider things before I plunge in. So, don’t judge… Leave that to me.


2:[ Here is a list of common lies that Chicagoans tell themselves, apparently. I guess that Chicagoans need to constantly lie to themselves to be secure in their identity as Chicagoans. Weird. Here’s one we should add: “Real Chicagoans cross the street wherever they like.”

Yes, someone actually said this to me…


3:[ You know what I just saw? From the train I saw a woman in a school parking lot walk up to her car but place her cup of coffee on the hood of the car next to hers, in case it spills, then proceeds to open up her car to get at her junk. Wow. Part of me wanted to coffee to suddenly break open and spill…. Oh, for the superpower of telekinesis!


4:[ I have only seen six movies so far this year. I know, I am way behind. But of course, Hollywood makes it so easy to skip the theater with all the nonsense they put out these days. So, in an effort to catch up, I will quick review all the movies I have seen this year. CLICK HERE for these awesome reviews! (Or not)


5:[ Sitting in my usual Starbucks on an early Saturday, I notice that there seems to be a pretty, new barista. It is funny to see the usual Guy baristas suck it in and try to be charming and witty when they all absolutely treated the last female barista that worked here terribly.

Now there are so terribly helpful that it is actually funny. I want to say to the young lady, “Careful, they’ll make you dump the garbage and clean the restrooms, like they did the last young lady that worked here.”

Or maybe they won’t. I guess blondes do have more fun….

On another coffee shop note: (Besides coffee shop being two words, not one, idiot!) Starbucks put out a recycling bin where you drop in your used paper cup, but also you can recycle your lids and coffee sleeves. An admirable idea but I’m sorry Starbucks, my Charlotte had this idea a long time ago. She was pretty cool about it when I told her though, which is why she is The Awesome, she said, “Yeah, people get the same ideas sometimes.”


6:[ So, I found myself walking without my manpurse the other day when my Bonnie had to get home early during a movie and I left it in the van. So, I walked around Evanston for a bit and found how much quicker I move without it. Mainly, because I’ve been told that my manpurse weighs a ton. I don’t get it. But I noted that my body moves differently when not weighed down. I even swing my hips. Weird. But I noted how much faster I move, how much quicker my pace is when I am not carrying my stuff with me.


7:[ And now Wisdom of the Sages presents:

An Ever-growing List of Things That MUST Stop!

+ Seriously, what’s with everyone suddenly wearing the crappy Harry Potter-style glasses?

+ People please, when you get to the cashier, please, please, please have your coupons clipped and at the ready. I am generally not an impatient man, but you are stepping on a lot of other people’s patience and good faith. Don’t just carry the weekly ad and then take time to leaf through it to find a coupon that you never took the time to clip out.

+ Jackasses that have big, brand new, still shiny, not even remotely used for their intended purpose pickup trucks who crookedly park any way they want because their trucks are over-compensating for other inadequacies.

+ Calling the Chicago professional hockey team “The ‘Hawks”. They are not named after the birds, they are named after Chief Blackhawk, which is why the NHL hems and haws about their logo. “It’s to honor Native Americans and most especially, Chief Blackhawk.” But now, ‘Meri-cans, most especially Ch’KAG-oh-ins, do not even say it right. They are the Blackhawks, not The ‘Hawks. If you cannot get the logo right, at least get the name right, or fucking change the fucking logo to a fucking hawk!

+ So, I was on the train this morning when a sharp dressed man, young anglo with slicked back cornsilk hair and sharp shoes gets on and sits in the row perpendicular to mine. But, he smelled like he was out late last night with musky BO beer sweat and overnight brewery breath. You know the smell. He sits there all sullen and quiet. But he looks impeccable. Seriously.

Then, at the next stop a lady gets on and sits right next to him. She catches the scent and covers her nose with a hanky and such but all the while she looks at me! Seriously. It didn’t help I was sitting in the next row wearing my NATIVE PRIDE, but she kept looking at me, pitching me mean looks. I didn’t pay attention to her though. Finally, after two stops she gets up in a huff, while still looking at me, making a big deal about moving seats.

Then, this nice looking young fellow simply pulls a tiny bottle of pink wine, a blush I believe it’s called, twists it open and drains half the bottle in one swig, right in front of everyone. Then, he nurses it the rest of the time I’m on the train. Just goes to prove the old adage, you cannot judge a book by its cover. But people seemed to give this guy a pass because of his looks. I may be raggedy but I’m no drunk. So, that type of prejudice? That needs to stop.

+ I have decided that people purposely see bad movies just so they can talk about how bad they are in an effort to appear smarter… Seriously. So, that needs to stop…

+People that grab a table before they buy their coffee should be shot….


8:[ I had Easter Lunch with my Bonnie at the local Baker’s Square. You know, the place famous for pies and such. I’ve always wanted to go there with a bunch of friends and order a slice of every pie to share between us. Someday, maybe. Any ways, we were looking though the little pie rolodex, you know that thing, when Bonnie shows me the new “Celebration Pie”. Wow.

What it is is a pie that is a combination pie, chocolate crème I believe, chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream topped with a whip crème topping and sprinkles. Why not just bring you a platter with a silver dagger on it that you can just plunge right into your heart?


9:[ From the “This Just In” Department: I guess in a non-canonical story, Superman renounced his US citizenship. And everyone lost their shit about it. How can we, as grown-up, adult-like people get all pissy and crybaby-y (um, yeah) about what a made up comic book character does? I mean really. It’s like we were expecting Superman to have killed Osama Bin Laden ‘cause he’s “Uh’merican” or something. You know?

But Superman couldn’t have done that. You know why?

SUPERMAN IS NOT F^CKING REAL! Grow up.


10:[ Last Item of the Month: I get all kinds of offers from my phone company for new packages and plans, for being "One of our most loyal customers”, yet for all of my years of loyalty, I never get an offer to have my rates reduced. Wouldn’t that be something?

Something else I noticed when I logged on to Hulu: whenever I get the ads, it has the tickbox that asks if the ad is relevant to me. I tick “no” to every single one. Because of this, Hulu throws every type of ad under the sun trying to peg me as a marketing label they can sell to.

So, I have gotten a variety of ads; such as: alcohol (those ads came and went, quickly), cars (they must’ve figured I’m poor, so those have stopped), laundry detergent and home improvement lately (they must figure I’m a mom), insurance (which is funny because they figured I cannot afford a car), internets services, (natch), and the latest phones. But I tick “No”, not relevant to me, to every ad.

So now I get a bunch of ads about mental disorders. And you know what?

There is no tick box to ask relevancy!


That will do it for this month.

I’ve decided to make the next WotS Video about my mom. So, keep an eye out for “Wisdom of the Sages Video – Episode V: Driving with Mom for Thousands of Miles” coming soon to WotS Video! CLICK HERE for the current WotS Playlist. I will update the link as soon as the latest video is posted.

In the meantime, feel free to comment, question, and contradict anything I write up here. I am not infallible, I think. My ego flatters me to think that I write greatness that everyone agrees with. So, please partake of the discussion.

If not, I’ll just accept your silence as your intellectual defeat and that I am the greatest of all. Okay? Yeah? Good.

Until Next Time, “I try to show the schemers how pathetic their attempts to control everything really are.”




© 2011 Ernest M. Whiteman III

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